so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
