trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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