; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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