My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
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Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
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Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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