I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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