Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
