I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
