Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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