Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
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Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
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Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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