I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
