My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think i have two assholes
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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