I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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