**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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