Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
