White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
