I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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