Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
And then he peed in my hair
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