i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
