they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
