The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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