sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
