and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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