my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
