last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
we're so committed to being not committed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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