I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
