if i can run in heels then i can drive
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
