I met the friendliest cop last night
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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