saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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