Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
