I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
