My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
