hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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