i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
well you can't waste a boner
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
