Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
