I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
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I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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