nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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