so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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