I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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