The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
