great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
