I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
