dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
