nut hugger
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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