News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
PANTIES FOUND
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
