doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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