my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
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Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
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I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize