watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
