Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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