The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
