Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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