The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
