guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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