I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
