Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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